The day I got my ADHD diagnosis, I didn’t have any mates to call. That was a stark reminder that, to date, I had lost countless special people. Having jumped from one ‘best friend’ to another from a very early age, always teetering on the edge of rejection with each person, I’d reached a point in life where there was no easy way to meet new friends, and the lost friendships were irretrievable.
During my ADHD assessment, one questionnaire asked me to rate my impairments in forming and maintaining close relationships and my ability to socialise. Another asked if I was unpopular with other children, was bossy or teased other children growing up. It all started to click for me: ADHD might have contributed at least to my general arseholeness and dwindling capacity for other people.
“When it comes to assessing people for ADHD, we’re looking into how they form relationships,” says consultant psychiatrist Dr Mohamed Abdelghani. “Do they go very quickly into friendships without seeing a lot of the red flags, is it that they have a lot of broken friendships that perhaps they should not have got into in the first place? Then, what’s the quality of the friendships that survive?”
Author of Understanding ADHD in Girls & Women, Dr Joanne Steer lists the ways in which we struggle as adult friends, too: tiring of or struggling to keep up with social contacts (and the resulting perception that we are uncaring or self-absorbed), low self-worth and fear of rejection. The emotional lability and mood swings aren’t a total treat either, let’s be honest; some of the ADHD traits are a lot for a friend to manage or forgive.
“I think most of the issues people with ADHD encounter in adult friendships come down to expectations, and it’s different for men and women,’ says Dr Abdelghani. “Whereas male friendships can be quite transactional, women are often expected to call at regular intervals, provide deep emotional support, acknowledge the other person’s complex feelings and behave appropriately during both happy and sad occasions. It can be overwhelming for someone with ADHD.”
If we can break this down to the simplest terms, it feels a bit like this: coping with neurodivergent life = overwhelming = less capacity for friends. Regardless, I have to acknowledge that, even with the best of intentions, a friendship with me can be a raw deal.
I wasn’t always a social pariah, by the way. I had a lot of friends growing up, collecting them from various schools and clubs. They were intense friendships formed quickly over any scrap of common ground as I yearned for connection and acceptance of my weird little self. I didn’t see red flags, I didn’t hold back – I was all-in with each new friend.
I’d get jealous of other friendships, but I was also more loyal and unreservedly loving than other kids my age, perhaps, so it all balanced out a bit, I hope. But still – having many best friends always seemed to work well for me, especially given variety is the key to keeping us ADHDers interested.
Of course, I found that this was quite a lot of people to juggle and, once we grew up and moved to different ends of the country, the list of incredible people and rewarding friendships fell by the wayside.