Back when I worked on domestic violence helplines, I was trained to spot abusers who would call the refuge and describe how their partners – their victims – had been abusing them. Their logic? If they reported domestic abuse against their partners, said partners could never present themselves as a victim in court. If they could convince the courts that it was “mutual abuse”, a word used by a clinical psychologist in the Depp v Heard trial, the abuse cycle could continue. In short, it was a foolproof method of torturing and gaslighting their victims.
Domestic abuse can happen to (and be committed by) anyone, including famous people. In the past year or so since Depp v Heard, many high-profile allegations of domestic abuse have been sceptically received online, with many adopting the language of “mutual abuse”.
The most prominent example right now is Keke Palmer, who has been granted a temporary domestic violence restraining order against her ex-partner, Darius Jackson, as well as temporary sole custody of their eight-month-old child, Leodis. The actor alleges that Jackson abused and “love-bombed” her over a period of two years. Jackson has not publicly addressed the allegations and has limited who can see his social media accounts.
On 15 November, Armon Wiggins, a self-described “LA Based Media Personality”, shared an unverified audio purportedly between Keke Palmer and Darius Jackson in which she appears to say, “It’s my bad to put my hands on you… even though you did whatever that you did to make me feel that way.”
One person replied, “Sound[s] like possibly two abusive people got together and are currently meeting their match with each other”, while another added, “Sounds like two abusive narcissists linked up.” While plenty of social media users called out Wiggins for sharing the clip without any context, it’s fascinating (and alarming) to see how easily the narrative of “mutual abuse” is received.
Fundamentally, the notion of mutual abuse requires that all parties in the relationship display abusive behaviours towards each other, from physical acts, such as hitting, to financial control, such as withholding money. But these behaviours don’t exist in a vacuum. Abusive relationships are about two things: power and control. Ellen Miller, Interim CEO of Refuge, tells GLAMOUR that the term “implies a shared responsibility for abuse between a survivor and perpetrators when in reality, abuse is a choice that the perpetrators make actively and alone.”