Life

Is sleeping in separate beds the secret to a happy relationship?

May 14, 2024

Are you struggling with sleeping? It may be time for you to kick your partner out of bed. Researchers have found that the effects of losing sleep because of your partner’s sleeping habits – whether they snore or stay up late watching TV in bed – don’t stop at feeling tired and irritable. Not only does sleep deprivation have the same effects as being drunk, but not getting enough sleep because of your partner is also linked to an array of health problems, including depression, heart attacks, and even a stroke. Yes, your partner could literally be killing you. Couples are also more likely to divorce if one partner is disrupting the other’s sleep.

Reality TV star Ferne McCann recently revealed she sleeps separately from fiancé Lorri Haines after the arrival of their baby girl, Finty. She admitted their physical intimacy had taken a hit but said the decision was “perfect” for them. While actress Cameron Diaz claims sleeping in a separate bed from your partner should be “normalised”.

Naomi Magnus, psychotherapist and clinical director at North London Therapy Practice, says: “I’ve seen resentment grow in relationships where one partner can’t get a good night’s sleep because of the other person’s snoring, or their incompatible sleeping needs.” However, Hilary Sims, counsellor and founder of Life Balance Counselling, advices couples to proceed with caution. “One partner not being on board with the decision could create a major issue in a relationship,” says Sims, who recommends couples prepare to compromise, set rules about frequency, and respect each other.

For *Annie and Karl, the decision to sleep in separate beds happened about ten years into their 17-year relationship. The couple, who are in their late thirties and don’t have any children, recall sleeping separately as something that started sporadically. Karl snores and sleepwalks, so occasionally, Annie would move into the spare room to get some shuteye. “It just organically became more and more after that,” they remember.

Unsurprisingly, snoring is one of the key triggers for couples sleeping separately. A study of 2,000 UK adults conducted by DUSK, which delved into the bedtime woes of Brits, found that 44% of British women say they prefer sleeping on their own rather than sharing a bed. Only 23% of women prefer sharing a bed with someone.

Only 23% of women prefer sharing a bed with someone.
Data courtesy of a study commissioned by DUSK

“I was definitely the driving force,” remembers Annie, who said they both felt conflicted by the decision. “I think the downside initially was feeling torn that what we were doing wasn’t normal.” Being open and honest with each other allowed the couple to make sure they were both happy in the relationship and nothing more serious was going on,” recalls Annie.

“Sleep is so essential to your wellbeing. It’s worth being completely honest with your partner. If their snoring or nightly twitching is keeping you awake, let them know so you can address it together,” advises Jade Crooks, Commercial Director at DUSK.

Despite another study by The Best Dating Sites revealing that 46% of Brits prefer sleeping alone but remain silent to avoid hurting their partners’ feelings, Magnus says being upfront with your partner is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship. “If partners can agree to sleep separately to improve their quality of sleep, and as a result, can manage the day-to-day challenges of life better together, then it’s probably working,” she says before adding, “But if the separate sleeping arrangement is creating emotional or physical distance, it may be time to rethink.”

If the separate sleeping arrangement is creating emotional or physical distance, it may be time to rethink.”
Naomi Magnus

Annie remembers that they were both concerned at first that there was something wrong with their relationship because it wasn’t the ‘normal’ thing to do. “You could tell by other people’s faces if we told them that they thought it was strange too, and for a while, I chose not to tell people because I guess I thought it was strange too, and I was concerned about what people might think.” Seven years later, Annie says she still has reservations, which she finds strange as she knows firsthand that “the benefits greatly outweigh the negatives.”

Skimping on sleep is known to have profound long-term health implications. Sleep deprivation has been linked to high blood pressure, heart disease and obesity and poor sleep quality is known to negatively impact hormones that regulate everything from blood sugar to appetite.

Yet, sleeping separately, at least as a young couple, is still somewhat of a taboo. Despite its growing popularity, the choice to sleep separately is often met with scepticism and judgment. Outdated ideas about sleeping separately spelling relationship trouble abound. Relationship expert Annie Waldron at The Best Dating Sites says this perspective is slowly changing as more people recognise the benefits of prioritising sleep and personal space. As society continues to evolve, our ideas and understanding of what it means to be in a relationship alter. Waldron sees a shift in people valuing the quality of connection over traditional norms.

You could tell by other people’s faces if we told them that they thought it was strange too
*Annie

While the idea of sleeping separately might seem counterintuitive to nurturing closeness in a relationship, many couples—like Annie and Karl—say it has brought them closer. “Now we sleep in separate beds, we both sleep better, are not grumpy around each other and actually enjoy each other’s company a lot more!” says Annie.

Having space and time apart can help couples maintain their identity and independence, too, which can lead to healthier and more balanced relationships. As Annie says, “We have very different sleeping styles – my partner will stay up late and likes listening to podcasts, but I like to be asleep by 10.30pm with no noise and lights out.” Instead of one couple having to forgo what feels right for their lifestyle and body clock, opting to sleep separately can encourage communication and respect for personal needs, which Waldron notes are fundamental aspects of intimacy. It can make the time couples spend together more meaningful and appreciated. “This way, we both get to do what we want,” agrees Annie.

Waldron sees the rising trend of Brits opting for separate beds—and even separate rooms on holiday—as a reflection of a broader societal shift towards valuing personal wellbeing and autonomy within relationships. “By challenging traditional norms and embracing the benefits of solo slumber, couples are finding new ways to balance intimacy with individuality,” argues Waldron.

By challenging traditional norms and embracing the benefits of solo slumber, couples are finding new ways to balance intimacy with individuality.
Annie Waldron

Annie and Karl make a conscious effort to keep intimacy alive in their relationship; “I think we manage pretty well now but that took effort,” Annie says. As solo sleeping continues to grow, Waldron predicts it may redefine what it means to be ‘together’ in modern society.

We know all too well that high stress and constant connectivity govern modern living, so it’s little wonder that some of us are craving quiet and solitude. “It’s a space where one can unwind and recharge, undisturbed by the presence or habits of another,” says the experts at DUSK.

It extends beyond the bedroom, too. A survey found that 18% of British couples choose to book separate rooms when on holiday. It’s refreshing to see couples prioritise their personal space and freedom. As Waldron says, “A little space is all it takes to bring people closer.”