As women, we’re taught from a young age to “play nice”. As Jane Fonda told me in a recent interview about good girl conditioning, “Good girls—I was taught—were not supposed to be ambitious, or angry, or assertive.” It’s no surprise that women feel pressured to be liked all the time; we’re raised to be agreeable and amenable, even to our detriment. This is not an idea we at Fashion’s DIgest are interested in upholding. So, to help you shake off your own good girl conditioning, here are 10 reasons why it’s ok not to be liked all the time (not that you need an excuse).
Accepting you don’t have to always be liked can empower you to say no.
Sure, it’s nice to be nice, and the serotonin boost of a good deed is not to be scoffed at. However, there’s a reason the old adage “give them an inch, they’ll take a mile” still resonates (because it’s true). If a friend you care about asks you for a favour, it’s probably worth going out of your way to help them. But if a friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend’s-great-aunt’s-son needs something when really he could do it himself, you need to know when to say ‘no’. Otherwise, you’ll never have any time to yourself. Saying ‘yes’ all the time can open doors, but saying ‘no’ can help you decide which one you actually want to walk through.
2. You can help people more than you think
Everybody has that friend who’s brutally honest (S/o to my loyal truthteller, Emma) but whose opinion you trust and value above others. And who do you go to when you need help? Yep, it’s that one. It’s all very good telling people what they want to hear; hey, it makes your life easier. But is it always actually helping? If you stop worrying about being liked above all else and instead focus on telling the truth (kindly, of course), you’ll be the one they call when they really need support, and isn’t that what true friendship is all about?
3. You can make a difference
If you make peace with not being liked all the time, you can more confidently stand up for the things you believe in without worrying about the social repercussions. Example: You’re at your boyfriend’s parents’ house, and his dad starts making sexist comments; instead of silently seething, you could explain why those comments are inappropriate (or, you know, drop-kick him). It might not change his opinion, but you’ll have advocated for yourself, and you never know; if you do it articulately enough, you just might open someone’s minds in the process.
4. You can leave the party when it gets boring
The host’s passed out on the sofa, the toilet is broken, and the tonic has run out, so people are mixing gin with orange squash. At this point, it really doesn’t matter if your best mates want you to stay “just for one more” (it’s never just one); it’s your time, and you deserve to spend it as you see fit. Or, as Kim Cattrall more succinctly put it; “I don’t want to be in a situation for even an hour where I’m not enjoying myself”.
5. You can give your emotions an outlet
No more bottling up your feelings only to explode into a hot rage. If your colleague keeps undermining you in meetings or your friend keeps bailing at the last minute, speak up and say why you’re unhappy. Sure, it might make for some awkward conversations, but it’s better to have a calm discussion than a blazing row because you’ve let things mount until they finally explode. Things will always come out, so let it happen on your terms rather than because your emotions got the better of you.
6. You can cope with success
It’s a sad truth that the more successful you become, the more people are likely to dislike you. Whether it’s jealousy or the law of averages, they ain’t lying when they say, “It’s lonely at the top”. It’s easy to resent high achievers, but if you’re ok with not being liked by everyone, then you know you can cope with this.
7. You can prioritise
Trying to please everybody means spreading yourself thinner than a smear of butter on a Whole Foods sandwich. If you can stop worrying about making everybody like you, you’ll find it easier to prioritise on a personal level. When it comes to clashing social plans, sometimes it’s ok to base your decision on who you’d enjoy seeing the most.
8. You can inspire others
Who do you look up to? The people who do everything they’re told all the time? Or the people who take a chance, follow their gut, and risk upsetting the status quo? Let your answer inform how you act.
9. You can live in line with your values
If you lead an authentic life that doesn’t revolve around people-pleasing, you can stand by your decisions. If things go wrong, then at least you know you made the decision that felt right at the time based on the information you had. Compromising your values to win points with someone else does not always make for a harmonious existence.
10. You can dislike other people without being a hypocrite
Admit it, there’s that one person you simply cannot stand. They don’t have to have even done anything, yet the mere sight of them might make your skin recoil. And you know what, that’s ok. Sometimes, for myriad reasons, we just don’t gel with someone. As long as you’re not hurting anyone, accepting that you can’t like everyone can be wildly liberating, and it helps you make peace with the fact that some people probably can’t stand the sight of you either (sorry, not sorry).