‘To take care of others, start by taking care of yourself.’ Even though this point can’t be refuted, it isn’t often unhelpful and just another item to add to the to-do list for mums in the middle of a busy season they can’t avoid, especially for mums whose children need them all the time.
“While I know self care is important, my level of self-care at the moment is whether I have managed to clean my teeth,” Jane Palmer, a 44-year-old mum of a young daughter, said.
With a full-time job, her daughter, and aging parents who require her frequent help, Jane can’t manage even 10 or 15 minutes for the self-care proposed in social media content.
“I feel inadequate,” she said. “I don’t feel I have the energy, let alone the time.”
Here’s How To
These videos tell you how to do everything perfectly in order to be the happy and healthy parent who raises happy and healthy children.
They show you how to craft, how to play, how to declutter, how to clean, how to organise, and so on. There is a never-ending list of videos to be watched about how to be the ‘best mother you can be’ and give your children the very best start at life.
I recently saw one about how to pack the perfect packed lunch for your kids when you send that back to school. Sliced peppers, halved grapes, organic biscuits, fresh pasta, chopped olives, and homemade brownies were all perfectly organised into Bento boxes. My kids, however, will be going to school with white bread ham sandwiches, packets of crisps, apples, and biscuits. Does this mean I’m failing to feed my children the healthy foods they need to thrive for the rest of their lives?
They Need Us To Be Humans, In All Our Glory
Even though there may be truth in some of these videos (after all, being present with our children is good for us as mums and for our children), Dr Mueller advised we should be aware of the impact these posts have for us. If they are particularly triggering, it is time to unfollow accounts and limit how often we see this sort of content.
If the content can be handled, we should notice the impact the posts have on us and label the feelings aloud.
“This creates a pause and helps us make a conscious response,” she said.
If guilty feelings arise, we can “greet them with understanding and kindness”, reminding ourselves that it makes sense to feel this way after comparing ourselves with carefully created, unrealistic content.
Finally, check whether the parenting expectation in the post is reasonable, or not. “Is it a standard that you want to hold yourself to?” Dr Mueller asked. “Is it real? Remind yourself that not everyone can be an outdoor mum, an organic cook, a creative mum, and a fun mum. We need to play to our strengths, and what our specific child needs. The clearer we are on what really matters to us and to our child, the easier it will be for us to let go of unnecessary feelings of guilt, shame or anxiety.”
Dr Mueller reminded mums that imperfection and connection is what our children need, not the perfectly present mum who does everything ‘right’. “They need us to be humans, in all of our glory,” she concluded. “I can assure you that if you are thinking about being the best parent you can be to your kids, then you are already a wonderful parent. You just need to tell yourself that more often.”