For people who are demisexual, like Black, it doesn’t matter how objectively attractive a person is. “Watching shows like Love Island, I feel so disconnected from the idea of instant attraction,” explains Black. “Even with someone considered a ‘10/10’, I don’t experience that immediate physical pull. For me, it’s all about the mind and a meaningful bond.”
We spoke to two sex and relationship experts to answer all the burning questions you might have about exactly what demisexuaity is, how you can tell if you’re demisexual, and how it differs from other sexual orientations.
Meet the experts
Annabelle Knight is a UK based expert specialising in dating, sex, body language, and relationships. She has qualifications in couples counselling, life coaching, and has a diploma in psychosexual therapy. She is also a sex toy expert for Lovehoney.
Danny Zane is a BACP and NCPS registered integrative therapist and counsellor at North London Therapy, specialising in relationships, narcissism, neurodiversity and abuse – among others.
What is demisexuality?
“Demisexuality is a sexual orientation where a person can only be sexually attracted to a person once a close emotional bond has been formed,” explains Knight. “As is the same with all sexual orientations, demisexual describes a person’s feelings rather than their behaviour. Demisexuals can have sex, be sexually attracted to, and be in relationships with people of all genders. They can also be sex neutral, sex favourable or sex repulsed.”
How do I know if I’m demisexual?
Knight explains that there are some tell-tale signs that could help you discover if you are demisexual. “You may recognise certain patterns with your past dating behaviour,”, she says. “Such as having long-term relationships that start as friendships, or not being interested in casual sex or one-night stands when you are single.”
If you think you might be demisexual, start by asking yourself some questions to help understand your feelings. Ask yourself who have you been sexually attracted to in the past, and what was your relationship to them like?
Below are some questions that Zane suggests you can ask yourself to help figure out if you’re demisexual.
- Do you feel sexual attraction only after forming a deep emotional connection with someone?
- Have you often felt no sexual attraction toward people you’ve just met?
- Do you find emotional intimacy more important than physical attraction in relationships?
- How do you feel about casual relationships or hookups?
Is demisexuality the same as asexuality?
Zane explains that although demisexuality and asexuality are similar, they are not the same thing. “Both involve limited sexual attraction compared to allosexual people,” he says. “Demisexuals typically experience sexual attraction only after forming a strong emotional connection, while asexual people generally do not experience sexual attraction at all.”