**SARSAS is a specialist service for people affected by sexual violence across Bristol, BANES, Somerset, North Somerset and South Gloucestershire. As part of their work, SARSAS workers attend schools across the country to talk about consent. **
**Here, they provide GLAMOUR with an exclusive insight into the top five myths about sexual consent that they encounter… **
At SARSAS, we love going to schools, colleges, and universities to talk to people about healthy relationships. We have great conversations, hear some pretty funny questions (“Miss, miss, is it legal to have sex with a car?”), but there are some common worries about consent that come up too.
Consent is the basis for good, pleasurable, respectful, and legal sex, but there are still a lot of misconceptions about it. So today, we’re going to clear up some of the myths about consent that we hear the most.
1. Asking for consent isn’t sexy
When your partner asks for consent, it shows they respect you and care about what you want. That can be very sexy! Consensual sex needs real, confident, open communication. If it doesn’t feel right to talk about what you do or don’t want, then maybe this isn’t the right time or right person(s) to be having sex with.
2. If someone’s body reacts, it means they automatically consent
Our genitals are amazing! They are packed with nerve endings (a clitoris has 10,281 nerve fibres on average!), and they respond to stimulation, sometimes whether we want them to or not. Our bodies cannot consent for us. An erection, orgasming, or a wet vagina are not body language for consent, you need a yes.
3. If someone doesn’t say no, then it’s ok
It’s true that if someone says “no” you have to stop, but the absence of a “no” doesn’t mean “yes”. We say “no” in lots of different ways “I’m not sure” “…silence…” “maybe later”…
For sex to be consensual we want to be looking for everyone involved to be having a good time. It should be enthusiastic and pleasurable! You should be talking about what you want, reciprocating, and enjoying it. You deserve better than sex than with someone whose only requirement is someone not saying “no”
4. Drunk people can consent
The most common intoxicant reported in sexual assault cases is alcohol. Unfortunately, perpetrators use it to lower their own inhibitions and to increase the vulnerability of the person they are targeting. And it’s one of the things we get asked about the most often in college and Uni talks.
The law in the UK is that when someone is so drunk that they are incapacitated, they cannot legally consent to any sexual activity.
We aren’t saying that any sex after a drink is always non-consensual, but it’s important to check:
• Can this person communicate clearly?
• Are they sober enough to know fully what is going on?
• Are they fully conscious?
If the answer is no, you should probably assume that the other person is too drunk to consent to sex. It isn’t worth it for you or them to keep going.
5. Consent to one thing is consenting for the whole shebang!
Consenting to one thing doesn’t mean you’ve consented to ALL the things. For example, someone may have consented to vaginal sex but that doesn’t mean they’ve consented to anal sex too – surprise sex acts aren’t ok. Another example is someone may have consented to sex but not to being filmed, or may have consented to sex with a condom, so removing it without their knowledge means the sex is no longer consensual.
It boils down to this: you can’t consent to something you don’t know about.
Consent is a conversation. You need to check in with the person(s) you want to have sex with and read their body language. It doesn’t matter if it’s someone you’ve been married to for years or a one-night stand, we should be treating our sexual partners with respect and everyone should be having a good time.
And ultimately, if the person hasn’t consented, it’s a sexual assault.
For more information about reporting and recovering from rape and sexual abuse, you can contact Rape Crisis on 0808 500 2222.
If you have been sexually assaulted, you can find your nearest Sexual Assault Referral Centre here. You can also find support at your local GP, voluntary organisations such as Rape Crisis, Women’s Aid, and Victim Support, and you can report it to the police (if you choose) here.