From The Everly Brothers’ “All I have to do is dream” (a song that once played in a continuous loop for 30 minutes throughout the most surreal and terrifying taxi ride of my life) to The Chordettes’ soft lullaby to “Mr. Sandman”, dreams and love have long been entwined in the collective consciousness.
But what happens when—to quote The Everly Brothers, hopefully for the last time—you no longer want your former amore in your arms, let alone your dreams? Well, it turns out that breaking up with someone doesn’t necessarily mean they won’t make a cameo appearance in your subconscious.
Dreaming about an ex might be unsettling, at best – outright haunting at worst, but they’re a common phenomenon. As dream expert Tree Carr puts it, dreaming about an ex is a little like binge-watching a Netflix series you’d rather forget.
So, what’s the deal with dreaming about your ex? Does it mean you’re still in love and destined to be together? Or is your mind just playing tricks? Before you drop back into their DMs, Carr has some advice for you. Read on as the author of multiple books on the art of dreaming reveals the mysteries of your nightly adventures.
The mystery of ex-dreams — what’s really going on?
As someone who’s navigated the winding roads of relationships and the fascinating world of dreams, I can assure you that these recurring dream cameos aren’t random. Think of dreams as your brain’s way of processing emotions and experiences. When your ex keeps showing up, it’s like your unconscious zone is waving a giant flag saying, “Hey, pay attention! There’s something here you haven’t fully dealt with yet.”
But before you spiral into overthinking mode or consider a late-night text, let’s decode what these dreams might actually mean. Contrary to popular belief, dreaming about an ex doesn’t necessarily mean you’re still in love with them, that you want to rekindle the romance or that they still have feelings for you. Instead, these dreams often reflect unresolved feelings, a need for closure, or even a desire to reconnect with a part of yourself that you associate with that past relationship.
Unpacking the emotional baggage — what does your ex really represent?
Okay, let’s dig deeper. Why is your ex haunting your dreams? Sometimes, it’s not the person themselves that your mind is fixated on, but what they represent. For example, maybe they brought out a side of you that you miss—like being more adventurous, spontaneous, or carefree. Or perhaps the relationship was a significant chapter in your life, and your unconscious mind is nudging you to revisit the qualities you loved about yourself during that time.
Your ex could also symbolise something you need to let go of. Are you still holding onto anger, regret, bitterness, grief or sadness from the breakup? These emotions can linger in your unconscious psyche, manifesting in your dreams as unresolved issues. It’s like your mind’s way of saying, “Hey, it’s time to deal with this and move on.”
The dream journal — your new BFF
So, what can you do about these pesky ex-dreams? Start by keeping a dream journal. Yes, it might sound a bit “Dear Diary,” but trust me, this can be a game-changer. Keeping a record of your dreams helps you spot patterns, identify recurring themes, and understand what your unconscious mind is trying to communicate.
Keep a notebook and pen by your bed, and as soon as you wake up, jot down everything you remember about the dream—even if it’s just fragments. Over time, you’ll start to see connections between your dreams and your waking life. You might notice that certain emotions or situations trigger these dreams, giving you valuable insight into what’s really going on underneath the surface of your psyche.
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Interacting with dream characters — yes, you can do that!
Next time your ex pops up in Dreamland, try interacting with them. That might sound like something from Interstellar, but you can actually communicate with dream characters. Ask them questions like, “What are you still doing here?” or “What do you represent?” You might be surprised by the answers your unconscious mind provides.
Interfacing with your dream characters can help you gain clarity on what’s really going on. Maybe your ex isn’t the villain your mind has made them out to be. Perhaps they’re just a symbol for something else entirely — like a past version of yourself or a situation that needs closure. By communicating with dream characters, you can work through your emotions and begin to work with your dream narrative, instead of feeling anxious by it.
Turning nightmares into self-discovery sessions
While dreaming about an ex can be unsettling, it’s also an opportunity for self-discovery. Your dreams are powerful tools for understanding your inner world, offering insights into your deepest emotions, desires, and fears. By engaging with these dreams, you can uncover hidden truths about yourself and your relationships, helping you to grow and heal.
Think of your dreams as a mirror reflecting the parts of your psyche that you might not be fully aware of. When your ex shows up, it’s like a spotlight on an area of your life that needs attention.
Making peace with your past
If these dreams are causing you stress or confusion, it might be time to do some inner work to make peace with your past. This doesn’t necessarily mean reaching out to your ex (unless you genuinely feel it would bring closure). Instead, focus on healing yourself. Reflect on what the relationship meant to you, what you learned from it, and what you need to let go of.
Consider writing a letter to your ex—not to send, but as a way to process your emotions. Pour out everything you’ve been holding onto—anger, sadness, love, gratitude—and then let it go. You can even perform a small ritual, like burning the letter, to symbolise releasing those emotions and moving forward.
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Embrace the journey of self-discovery
Remember, dreaming about your ex isn’t a setback; it’s part of your journey of self-discovery. Each dream is a message from your unconscious mind, guiding you toward a deeper understanding of yourself. By paying attention to these dreams, you can unlock new insights, heal old wounds, and grow into the best version of yourself. So, the next time your ex crashes your dream party, don’t panic or brush it off. Instead, see it as an opportunity to explore your inner world, uncover hidden truths, and take another step on your path to self-awareness and healing. After all, your dreams are there to help you—not haunt you.
The power of letting go
Ultimately, the key to moving past these recurring ex-dreams is to embrace the power of letting go. Holding onto the past—whether it’s a relationship, an emotion, or a regret—can keep you stuck in a cycle of negative thinking and prevent you from fully embracing the present. By acknowledging and processing these dreams, you can begin to release the hold your ex has on your unconscious mind. This doesn’t mean forgetting or dismissing your past experiences; rather, it’s about finding peace with them and allowing yourself to move forward with clarity and confidence.
Embrace your new chapter
Dreams about an ex may be annoying, confusing, or even upsetting, but they’re also an invitation to dig deeper into your psyche and understand yourself better. By engaging with these dreams, you can turn a frustrating experience into a powerful tool for personal growth and healing.
So, as you continue on your journey of self-discovery, remember to be kind to yourself. Your dreams are just one part of the puzzle, helping you piece together the bigger picture of who you are and where you’re headed. Embrace the process, trust in the wisdom of your unconscious mind, and get ready to step into the next chapter of your life—one dream at a time.
Tree Carr is an alumni of The Alef Trust’s Transpersonal Psychology program. Her Dreamwork Journal: Unlock the Secrets of Your Dreams, is available to pre-order now.