Then the scan started. Our doctor was normally quite bubbly and upbeat, but in this moment, he was just very serious, very stern, and wasn’t really saying much. It was COVID times, so Alex and I were both wearing masks, so we could only read each other’s eyes. And I remember just looking at him and thinking, ‘Something’s not right’. He was looking at me, trying to be calming, but at the same time he was thinking, ‘This isn’t good.’
Then the doctor came out with all this information, and I just remember going deaf, completely. I couldn’t hear a thing. I was just spacing out; I had an out-of-body-experience. Then I just broke down and started crying. Alex had to drive home somehow, even though he was injured. I was like, ‘I can’t drive, I can’t see.’ Then we got home, and then that’s when it all started to unravel.
Because that was the thing, it felt like it came out of nowhere. Every scan before had been fine, we just weren’t expecting to go into the 22-week scan, and for our world to just crumble. And then the whole experience was very traumatic. A few days later, I remember being in the shower and my milk came in. I remember just going out the room like, ‘Mam!’, and she was like, ‘What, what, what?’, and I was like, ‘I’ve got milk!’. She was like, ‘Oh, darling, they said this would happen.’ But I just wasn’t expecting it. I was devastated. That was the worst bit. My body was prepared for the baby, but the baby was gone.
So that just sent me over the edge. But I always knew I wanted more children, and that I didn’t want Axel to be an only child. I wanted to be blessed with more kids, but I was just terrified. The thought of getting pregnant again was so scary. But because of what we went through, we’ve had loads of extra scans [for our current pregnancy] and it’s been really reassuring. So with this pregnancy, I’ve felt completely different. It feels like the first time around. I love being pregnant as well. I love the feeling of being pregnant. I love the movements, I love the excitement. It’s stressful, but it is the most amazing thing ever. So I’m glad that I got to the point where I was like, ‘Right, I’m ready.’ And this wasn’t planned either, so I’m glad I was relieved and happy when we found out. I was kind of pacing the floor, I’m not going to lie, but Alex was just so excited.