Just when you thought that ghosting or quiet dumping was the worst thing that could ever happen to you in the dating world, you found out about micro cheating. “Micro cheating” covers the more subtle, greyer areas of potential infidelity — the ”trend” was introduced to social media a few years ago. And naturally, TikTok has been obsessed with it ever since.
But what counts as micro cheating, and what counts as acceptable friendly behaviour towards a person who isn’t your monogamous partner?
What is “micro cheating”?
The term may be relatively new, but the act itself is not. “Micro cheating” is a special type of cheating: as the name suggests, it’s not about kissing or sex, but about more subtle actions that may not even be perceived as cheating at first.
“Micro cheating is a term used to describe a series of seemingly small, subtle actions and behaviours that may not seem like infidelity but can certainly be classed as emotional infidelity within a romantic relationship,” Sam Rowland-Jones, personal matchmaker at global dating agency Ignite Dating, says. “It’s a concept that revolves around the idea that even minor actions, if done covertly or with a level of deceit, can erode the trust and intimacy in a relationship.”
These are small things that are deliberately concealed by the partner. For example: the partner asks someone outside the relationship for their number without telling the person in the relationship. Or the partner registers on a dating portal.
The reason micro cheating is perceived as dangerous is due to its subtlety – it could be that you’re engaging with this kind of behaviour and not realising it could mess with the trust dynamic you have with your partner.
If the mini-scam does come to light at some point, it can destroy the relationship as there is no longer any trust. This is because the cheating is not necessarily in the act itself, but in the concealment.
What actions count as “micro cheating”?
Seeing as it’s such a complicated term, it’s important to know what exactly might count as micro cheating. Sam suggests that it “typically involves actions that suggest a person is emotionally or romantically invested in someone outside their committed relationship.”
She suggests that this could be “secretive texting or messaging – particularly if they are immediately deleted in case they are found by the other partners in question; emotionally confiding; making excuses to spend time alone with each other; comparing partners and fantasising about the other person”.
How do you recognise “micro cheating”?
If you suspect “micro cheating” in your own relationship, the only thing that will help is a clarifying conversation — with a coach or therapist if necessary. And please don’t start poking around in your partner’s belongings or phone for clues.
How do you know if you should investigate the suspicion? It is advisable to listen to your instincts. Is your partner more absent or distant than usual over a longer period of time? Then you should definitely talk to them. However, it’s best to do so without directly accusing them of “micro-cheating”.
Sam adds that there are things worth looking out for, including “excessive secrecy about their phone, social media accounts and other digital devices. Are they constantly on their phone whilst you’re together but not allow you to see who they’re messaging?”