Initially, it was consensual, but five minutes into it, I burst into tears and withdrew consent. Up until that point, the sex was rough, and he had been pushing me against the wall. If I had been of sound mind, I’d have told him to slow down and check in a bit more. It got to the point where I was crying, and I realised in that moment I regretted my decision to bring this guy home. At first, he was comforting; he stroked my back, and asked me what was wrong. Then something switched and he pushed me down on the bed. He started choking me; he put his hand over my mouth because I was still crying and asking him to stop.
“I realised quite quickly that it was more dangerous for me to carry on fighting him, so I lay there and waited for him to get it over with.”
He actually punched me in the face. I realised quite quickly that it was more dangerous for me to carry on fighting him, so I lay there and waited for him to get it over with. He removed the condom without my consent — which is also rape — and I got gonorrhoea from it.
After it was over, he slept next to me and woke up beside me the next morning, acting completely normal. He treated me like I was his girlfriend, and even tried to kiss me on the cheek before saying goodbye. It blows my mind how delusional people can be about their own character and their own actions.
There’s no doubt at all in my mind: this was rape. But, I think if you’d got his version of events, despite him choking me and literally punching me in the face and leaving a bruise, he would not see it that way. This guy was clearly never a part of the BDSM scene. If he had been, there would have been strict consent and safety protocols in place, communication about boundaries, safe words, and aftercare.
In the immediate aftermath, once he’d left, I just sat in shock with my friend. We just looked at each other a couple of times, thinking, ‘Did that actually happen?’ By the afternoon, I got a plan together: I arranged to speak to my therapist and made an appointment to go to the sexual health clinic to get checked out. As a precaution, they gave me PEP (post-exposure prophylaxis for HIV) — a treatment that can stop an HIV infection after the virus has entered a person’s body.
“Consent is ongoing and can be withdrawn at any point.”
I decided not to report the rape to the police — I felt there was absolutely no way I was going to get support from the criminal justice system in this case. I needed to deal with this by myself. I feel fortunate to have had my therapist who supported me through this.