I’ve long suspected Hollywood might be the root of all social anxiety, and at no other time do I feel this more acutely than at Christmas. For decades—a century, really—the movie industry (with the help of music) has been pushing the idea that Christmas means one thing—family.
From 1945’s Meet Me in St. Louis to 2024’s Nutcrackers (and all of the many iterations of Home Alone), festive plotlines invariably cycle through the same familial tropes before ending with the realisation that there’s no place like home (I know I’m mixing genres here, but stick with me).
But if family Christmases are as magical as the movies would make you believe, why are Google searches for “going away for Christmas” up by 825%? Riddle me that, Santa. Research from Mintel finds almost six in ten (58%) 16-24-year-olds say spending time with their family over the festive period is stressful, and there are 17.5 million posts on TikTok under “spending Christmas without family”.
The reality is Christmas means different things for different people and—crucially—at different times. You might’ve had the most picture-perfect Christmases as a kid and still want to opt out this year, and that’s fine, though it doesn’t make it any easier to tell your family.
Whether you’re choosing not to go home because it’s too difficult or you’re just deciding to go on holiday instead—you’re entitled to spend Christmas your way.
From making sure you tell them ASAP, to keeping calm and being honest, travel expert Justin Chapman explains how to tell your family you’re not coming home for Christmas, without hurting their feelings.
Take a deep breath (or a shot of whiskey) and rip that band-aid off.
Remind yourself why you’re going away instead of going home
The first step is to make sure you’re clear in your own mind about exactly why you’re choosing to go away instead of going home. Is it because you don’t get much time off throughout the year, and this is the only time you can get away? Is it because you’re spending time with your partner’s family instead, perhaps for the first time? Is it difficult to go home, either logistically or emotionally? It’s important to remind yourself of your reasons for going away so that you can’t be made to feel guilty about your decision.
Tell them ASAP
The longer you leave it, the harder the conversation will be, and the more upset they will be – not to mention it’ll be more of an inconvenience if they’ve already done all the food shopping and included you in their catering plans. As soon as you’ve made the decision not to go home, or as soon as your trip away is booked, tell your family.
Be honest (but gentle)
Honesty is the best policy. Don’t make up a lie that you’ll have to stick to forever, or blame it on money if that’s not the issue, as they might offer to pay. But perhaps be gentle with the truth – rather than saying you can’t face it because you can’t cope with the same arguments you have every year and it’s too stressful, maybe try something like “We wanted to try something new this year and treat ourselves to a holiday and some relaxation.”
Keep it calm
If they get angry, it’s because they’re probably feeling disappointed, or even abandoned, so give them some space, and be prepared for them to be annoyed. Don’t get defensive, but you don’t need to have a big apology speech prepared, just acknowledge their feelings and let them know that you understand that they’re upset.
Suggest alternatives
Suggest an alternative to the big day, so you can still spend time together and celebrate, without the pressure that Christmas day brings. Try saying “I know you’re disappointed, so how about we do something the week before/after Christmas so we can still see each other?”.
Get in touch on Christmas Day
Whether you’re relaxing by the pool, sitting by the fire in a ski lodge, or you’ve got an action-packed itinerary elsewhere remember to get in touch on Christmas day. A quick phone call, Facetime, or even just a text, will remind the family that you haven’t forgotten them.
Remember you can’t keep everyone happy
You don’t need to apologise for your decision to go away instead of going home, so be firm and stand by your choice, but be respectful. Some family members might be annoyed for a while, but remember that you’re putting your own needs first this time and you can’t keep everyone happy – and enjoy your holiday!