When did you last have a great chat? A conversation when someone gave you their undivided attention, didn’t look at their phone, asked you questions and actually listened to the answers? And let’s be honest: when was the last time you really gave someone your undivided attention without resorting to a mid-chat scroll?
Thanks to our phones, we’ve never been more connected — we are practically surgically attached to them — but we have also never been more disconnected. For many of us, the most constructive chat we have in a day is with ChatGPT. Loneliness is on the rise as the art of conversation dies.
We’re too distracted and too time-poor to invest in the conversations that create meaningful connections, and this disconnection is having a horrible effect on our health. The World Health Organisation has declared loneliness a health epidemic, one that increases the risk of death by 26–32% and even alters brain regions essential for self-awareness, social cognition and emotional processing.
We should be doing everything we can to tackle this silent killer. Instead, we continue practising the same unhealthy social habits, even as scientists link loneliness to depression, forms of dementia, Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s disease.
Loneliness is linked to an estimated 100 deaths every hour worldwide — the time to relearn the art of conversation is now. That’s why I started my new podcast, Josh Smith’s Great Chat Show: a celebrity interview series that focuses on the power of conversation to build genuine connection and inspire audiences to have the meaningful chats they need in their lives.
After a decade interviewing some of the biggest names on the planet, from Oprah to Victoria Beckham, I’ve learned that conversation is a muscle that needs practising; it’s not a personality trait.
TikTok is full of wellness trends claiming to transform our lives, yet we’re neglecting a free practice we can all do every day: conversation. Having one great chat a day is as vital to your wellbeing as getting our ‘five a day’ or eight hours of sleep. We’re designed to be in community, so get out there and find yours by becoming a better conversationalist. Not sure where to start? Here are my tried-and-tested expert tips.
Josh Smith with Mia McKenna-Bruce
(Image credit: Bella Neale)
Being a Great Conversationalist Takes Practice, It’s Not a Personality Trait
I talk for a living now, but I grew up with a speech impediment and saw a speech therapist. Just as my ‘ph’, ‘f’ and ‘th’ sounds became passable, I was bullied for having a ‘gay voice’ as a teenager. I lost all confidence, but I decided to make a change. With every conversation, my confidence grew. Those conversations brought me new friends, new lessons and eventually led me to the job I have today.
We can all be guilty of leaving it to others to make the effort in conversations, but you can’t rely on everyone else. You are capable of conversing with anyone, and the power to do so is within you. Here’s the secret: you are your own greatest asset. Being yourself makes you more likeable and socially attractive because people are drawn to authenticity. I spent so long pretending to be someone else to be liked, but the reason I have the career I have now is because of who I am, not in spite of it.
The best place to start is with the conversation you have with yourself. I still get nervous before any interview, so I practise ‘chatiffirmations’ like, “I am confident,” “I deserve to be in this room,” and “I am interesting, and people should be interested in me.” I repeat them until my nerves turn into fuel. The amazing thing is your subconscious doesn’t know the difference between truth and lie, so you can train yourself into confidence, no matter how socially anxious you think you are.
No Pressure, But You Have Seven Seconds to Make It Count
We form our first impression in just seven seconds. First impressions aren’t built on what you’re wearing, or even exactly what you say; they’re built on how you make other people feel. So ask how someone is, and then really listen to the answer. Introduce yourself, ask their name to show you value them (and remember it), and make sure your voice feels alive rather than downbeat; people are drawn to positive energy. Body language matters as it’s our first signal of how warm and open we are. Uncross your arms and put your phone away to welcome people into your space.
If you get nervous in social situations, body language can also become your personality boost. Whenever I feel nervous before interviewing someone, I stand up straight, open my chest and walk in with a smile — you can fake it until you make it — and it instantly puts people at ease. And it’s much simpler than you think. It’s not about asking big, dramatic questions; it’s about making small tweaks to your demeanour that turn a conversation into a connection.
Be Interested as Well as Interesting
From family gatherings where the only questions are, “Have you got a partner yet?” or “Are you going to have a baby?” — FYI, no one has the right to your personal life — to networking events where someone asks what you do before they ask how you are, we all encounter people who ask boring questions, or none at all.
The trick I’ve learned is to keep questions open and intentional. In any social setting, instead of asking, “What have you been up to lately?” — which usually prompts everyone to talk about how busy they are (it’s the Busy Olympics these days, after all) — try asking, “What’s the most exciting thing that’s happened to you in the last week?”
It makes the person pause and reflect, and it shows you’re taking a genuine interest. Then, in return, share a related experience of your own so you come across as not just interested, but interesting.
Remember You Have Two Ears and One Mouth for a Reason…
It’s a visual reminder to listen twice as much as you talk. The greatest lesson I’ve learned as an interviewer is that being a great conversationalist comes down to how well you listen, not how much you say. We’re often guilty of listening with the intent to reply rather than truly hearing what someone is saying. But you learn far more when you genuinely listen, especially in an interview.
I can have hundreds of questions prepared, but if I’m only focused on getting through my list, I risk missing what someone is actually telling me, and the valuable details that could lead to far more interesting follow-up questions. When you say, “You just mentioned (insert key detail here), tell me more about that — how did that make you feel?” or you begin your next question using their exact words, it shows you’re genuinely engaged. And when people feel heard, they’re far more likely to open up.
The key thing to remember is that listening is an active process, not a passive one. Maintain eye contact, so your attention stays on the person in front of you. Resist the urge to interrupt. Use brief affirmations to show you’re following along.
One of the greatest benefits of listening is that it can also become a wellbeing practice. Whenever I feel anxious about something in my own life, I find that having a conversation, especially about something completely unrelated, and actively listening forces my brain to focus on someone else. That shift in attention alone can leave me feeling a million times better afterwards.
Remember That Difficult Conversations Should Be a Two-Way Street
Many of us fear difficult conversations. We avoid them, or we don’t know how to engage with someone we disagree with without it escalating into shouting. But the way you communicate with people you disagree with is the true measure of how good you are at communicating. We need confrontation in order to grow.
Make a genuine effort to understand someone with a different point of view by resisting the urge to talk over them. Give them space to speak, and ensure they respect your space to speak, too. It’s a two-way conversation, after all. If someone keeps cutting you off after you’ve given them room to share their thoughts, politely and calmly say, “What I was saying is important to me, so please let me finish before we come back to your point.”
Remind yourself that it’s never going to be perfect. Give yourself permission to admit — to yourself and to others — that you might feel nervous, and acknowledge that you may not get it perfect. It’s always better to have tried than not to have bothered at all. You might still disagree at the end, but the goal is to reach a place of understanding.
Make ‘Moglecting’ a Thing of the Past
The biggest barrier to connection is probably in your hand right now. I call checking your mobile phone while chatting ‘moglecting’, and we’re all guilty of it. If someone is holding their phone while talking to you, do you feel truly important to them? No. If there’s a phone on the table at dinner, does it signal that you have their full attention? Not really. It’s a constant visual reminder of the world outside the conversation.
If you’re repeatedly looking down at your phone — especially in a bar or at a networking event — it sends the message that you’re closed off and uninterested in connecting. But you never know whether the person next to you could be your next boss, friend or even partner. So put the phone down, look up and be open to the people around you. You never know where a conversation might lead, and you’ll feel mentally lighter with less screen time, too.
Listen to and watch Josh Smith’s Great Chat Show now.