So…you’re in love. All of the signs are there. You’ve been daydreaming about the object of your affection all day long. You’ve been doodling their name in your notebook. You’ve started absent-mindedly opening your chat with them on WhatsApp just in case they’ve messaged you. You’ve imagined that magical moment when you finally get together over and over and over again.

It certainly sounds like love, right? Well, I hate to break it to you, but you might actually have found yourself falling not in love, but in limerence.

What is limerence, you ask? “Limerence, in its simplest form, is the feeling that someone is your absolute ‘perfect match’ who is always inconveniently out of reach due to various factors,” explains Rachel Rose, relationship and boundaries coach and author of Date Your Worth, Not Your Wound.

In other words, it’s a state of infatuation and obsession that mimics love, but has some potentially dangerous side effects — for everyone involved.

What is limerence?

Although limerence can feel a lot like love, the feelings of infatuation stem from an idealised version of the other person. “This can be someone you’ve had a romantic history with, or intriguingly, someone you’ve never actually been with at all,” says Rose.

“What makes limerence different from genuine, healthy love is that it’s rooted in an overwhelming need to feel wanted but by an idealised version of the person, not the real them,” she adds. “It’s not love as it truly is, but love as we wish it to be.”

It’s also not quite the same as unrequited love. As Rachel explains, it “burns hotter and longer.” Plus, it doesn’t naturally fade because it is “fuelled by fantasy, not reality, meaning there is an endless mental supply that can keep the imagination going.”

And what does it look like in practice? “For some, it manifests as a passing daydream. But for others, it can escalate into full-blown obsession, disrupting daily life and sabotaging real, grounded relationships.”

Why does limerence happen, anyway?

So, how do we end up in this cycle of fantasy and obsession that feels so much like love?

“Limerence is deeply neurological, in other words, it lives in the mind,” Rose explains.

It often stems from an insecure attachment style in which we learn to “associate love with longing…even when it’s one-sided.” She adds, “As adults, this can show up as infatuations that feel simultaneously thrilling and tormenting.”

Once the limerence cycle starts, it’s hard to stop. “What makes limerence so addictive is the uncertainty factor — that ‘maybe’ or ‘what if’ that lights up the brain’s reward system like the jackpot lights on a fruit machine.”

How is limerence different than love?

Real love, says Rose, involves reciprocity and real understanding of the other person.

“It starts with a spark of infatuation, sure, but it settles into something deeper which is an appreciation of each other’s real, messy, wonderful selves,” she goes on. “It’s a connection that grows from shared experiences, not imagined ones.”