Dr Alsawy explains that shame and regret are common feelings amongst young women who have consensual, yet unwanted, sex. Having sex too early is, in fact, one of the biggest regrets amongst young women, with almost 40% feeling that their first sexual experience had happened before they were ready.
“Societally, sex at a young age has been normalised and even encouraged. If you’re not having sex at a young age, there’s this connotation that you’re frigid, or in some way less desirable, which has placed a huge amount of pressure on young girls.” The result, she goes on, “is that a growing number of young women are having sex before they are ready. This sex, although consensual, isn’t necessarily positive, and in order to cope with the experience, these women learn to practice emotional detachment. They start to have sex from a mechanical perspective, rather than recognising the emotional vulnerability that goes with it.”
Once I reached my twenties and moved to London, I found that the pressure to keep up appearances around my sex life eased, as did the drunken one-night-stands. Though I’ve dabbled in dating apps over the past four years, nothing has moved much beyond the second date.
The pattern generally goes something like this: I download the app, swipe a few times before matching with a couple of potential guys. We’d book a first date, and more often than not, we’d have a good time. In many cases, I’d work up the courage to go on a second date. It’s after this that I’d feel the sense of anxiety start to grow. By the time they’d asked me on a third date, which usually involved dinner or a movie night, I felt the demand for intimacy rising. As the pressure grew, I’d withdraw more and more, before ghosting, deleting all apps, and deciding that I was just not ready to date.
I was fully expecting this pattern to repeat itself when it came to my expirationship. We’d met through work, and had been on a coffee date and out for drinks, before he suggested a night in at his, cooking together and watching The Parent Trap. Though the familiar anxieties were there, I was surprised to find that the finite nature of our situation provided me with a new sense of safety to sit with the nerves, and continue to explore the connection between us. It might sound crazy, but I found that actually counting down the number of times we’d have to see each other before he moved away helped me to resist the urge to cancel plans.
You could call it exposure therapy, but over time, I found that my anxiety lessened. Increasingly, I relaxed, felt more present, and more able to trust him. I discovered that I actually loved staying up late talking, waking up next to each other, and skipping gym classes just so we could hang out all day. These things, which I had previously thought would make me feel claustrophobic and uncomfortable, now seemed like something I might actually want to find in a long-term relationship.
Okay, my expirationship hasn’t fixed my problems long term, and I’m not careful, it could actually reinforce the issue. I’ll admit that I haven’t dated anyone else since he has left, and I’m conscious that if I don’t use our situation as a stepping towards a longer term relationship, the anxieties will likely return.
Dr Alsawy’s advice for anyone considering an expirationship? “Work with a trained therapist, who can challenge your beliefs within a safe environment, helping you to learn how to remain and show up as your authentic self. Where an expirationship may offer you short-term safety and security, true healing happens when you start experiencing somebody that accepts you, and who is still there consistently even as you show up as your authentic self.”
I may not be Carrie Bradshaw, but I do feel incredibly grateful for the confidence and emotional connection my expirationship afforded me. Have I got it all figured out? Absolutely not. But I do have hope that in the future, I will be capable of sustaining an intimate relationship. For now, that’s good enough for me.