“Amy* left the group”
This was the message that popped up in one of my WhatsApp groups. The flurry of usual greetings was suddenly replaced by panicked messages: “Oh dear, is Amy okay?” “Should somebody check on her?” A few days later, I ran into Amy at another friend’s party. She walked towards me, like a zombie back from the dead and started chatting away as if nothing had happened. As it turned out, she wasn’t particularly upset with anyone, she simply didn’t want to be in the group anymore.
I don’t know what was going on in Amy’s life and it feels unfair to judge her, but I wondered what I would have done in her situation. Can you ever leave a WhatsApp group without things being awkward? After all, if you wanted to leave a real-life event, you wouldn’t suddenly just head out the door without saying goodbye. So why would you do the same in the digital space?
Jenny* had a similar experience with a friend who abruptly left a group that had known each other for years and spoke pretty much every day. They never heard from that person again. “I would have thought she would have messaged someone privately in the group, rather than just leaving. A sudden departure makes everyone’s imagination run wild!”
But let’s be honest, some WhatsApp groups can feel like being at a party you’re not allowed to leave. “If you had a conversation with a group of people in real life, it would naturally come to an end,” says Louisa Guise, author of How To Leave A Group Chat. “Sadly with WhatsApp groups, you’re essentially stuck in the same conversation for eternity! But unlike real life, where 90% of our communication is non-verbal, the quality of the chat suffers and hurt feelings and misunderstandings can occur,” adds Guise.
“Many people complain about WhatsApp groups in therapy,” says clinical psychologist Karen Gerber. “Particularly parenting groups when their children start school. These can be really useful for exchanging important information, but with people oversharing (and sometimes even using them to sell their house!) it can be difficult to cut through the clutter!”
Katie* found herself ganged up on by a group of fellow mums, whose sons were all away on a school trip. In her case, a quick exit was a no-brainer. “I left within 24 hours of the abuse,” she recalls. “My husband stayed in the group for a further day until my son arrived home safely but he was very upset about what these women were posting. I’m glad to be away from the competitiveness and helicopter parenting you get with school WhatsApp groups. It’s not good for the kids and it’s not good for the adults.”
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Even if a group isn’t particularly toxic, Gerber explains how the mental admin of staying on top of them can be draining and stressful in itself. “While WhatsApp groups can be a fantastic way to stay in touch – especially for friends and family members in different countries – many patients report feeling overwhelmed by the sheer number of groups they’re in,” she notes. “Some struggle to keep up and feel guilty for not responding. It’s particularly stressful for my ADHD patients, who may just end up not replying to people. (In these situations, it might be worth messaging everyone and explaining this to them.)”
Many people struggle with the idea of leaving a group chat to avoid any unnecessary drama. Hannah* has been stuck in a group she’s wanted to leave for three years. “A friend added me to it with a few of her other friends that I’d met a handful of times,” she recalls. “She’d moved away, so she set up the group so she could arrange to meet up with us all in one go. I wasn’t into the vibe (and I also wasn’t a fan of one of the other girls), so I stopped replying. My friend got the hint and now we message and meet up separately. But I’m still stuck in that group – three years later, I have 600 unread messages. I can’t bring myself to leave because of the ‘so-and-so left the group’ notification!”
Family groups in particular can be challenging to leave. “I’m the only partner in my in-laws’ family group,” Emily* shared. “My husband doesn’t reply, so I feel like I’m there just for pressure if they need a response. The other partners – who are male – aren’t in the group (which incidentally says a lot about gender roles!). I feel like an intruder, but I know leaving wouldn’t be worth the fallout!”
So how do you leave a WhatsApp group without causing offence? Gerber suggests identifying your reason for leaving: “If the group is simply annoying or time-consuming, muting notifications might be enough,” she advises. “But if it’s emotionally draining or toxic, a more thoughtful approach may be needed.”
Sadly, there’s no one-size-fits-all solution for every kind of group. “You might want to send a brief message like, ‘Hey everyone, I’m cutting back on group chats but wish you all the best,’” Gerber suggests. “For smaller groups or close friends, privately reaching out to key members can also be helpful. A quick explanation can clear things up and ensure a smoother departure.”
Guise agrees that people shouldn’t feel obliged to stay in spaces they’re not enjoying, even digital ones. “People should be allowed to leave WhatsApp groups if they want to, you don’t owe anyone anything!” she says. “No-one should panic if someone leaves – it’s not really the same thing as storming off in real life! Just a simple message like ‘I don’t want to be in this chat anymore but am still friends with all of you’ can clear up any confusion.”
I decided to take the bull by the horns with a WhatsApp group I’d recently joined and instantly regretted. I nervously typed, “Hi everyone, I’m in so many WhatsApp groups at the moment, it’s getting a bit overwhelming. So I think it’s best I exit a few for now. Thank you for having me!” I pressed send, clicked “Exit Group” and felt a wave of dopamine flooding my brain. If you want to cull of your WhatsApp groups, there’s no need for anything dramatic – keep it positive, light, and don’t feel forced to be stuck in a digital space that’s no longer serving you.
*Names have been changed.