Kindness. Empathy. Compassion. These are all adjectives that, as an emotionally evolved species, we should be striving to embody as we move through our world, but the fact is that, often, life gets in the way. Daily stresses and strains accumulate, which can lead to harsh judgements of ourselves and others., and we only need to take a look at the world news front pages at the moment for a sobering reminder of where this can lead.
But the science here is clear: being kind is really good for us. Research from the University of Oxford shows that showing kindness to others – both random strangers and those we know and love – benefits wellbeing, while further studies (take a look at this one, published in the journal Current Biology) highlight practicing empathy as valuable for happiness and wellbeing, too.
This being said, we can all likely agree that it’s often trickier to extend this benevolence to ourselves: our inner critic can be brutal, and it’s something that takes work to overcome. Even in my mid-40s, when I absolutely care far less about the opinions and judegements of those around me, I still struggle with a vitriolic little voice in my head when it comes to judging myself.
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So, when I stumbled across the idea of proactively cultivating a mindset of loving-kindness, I was intrigued. Currently trending as ‘metta meditation’, the idea is that, by intentionally working on our compassion, empathy and kindness to ourselves via mantras and meditation, we can gradually extend this to our friends, family and ultimately, strangers and people we experience conflict with.
Sounds good, right? Keep scrolling to read all about how I got on – but in the meantime, you might want to check out our guides to the best five-minute meditations to boost calm, transcendental meditation and sleep meditation, plus find out how one Health Writer got on when she gave TikTok guided meditations a go.
Metta meditation promises to enhance wellbeing and self-compassion, so I tried it for a week
What is metta meditation?
Forget sitting in silence for hours, grappling with trying to still the thoughts whirring around your head: metta meditation actually requires you to think – you just have to be intentional about exactly what you’re thinking.
“Metta meditation, also known as loving kindness meditation, is a simple practice that focuses on being kinder to yourself and others,” explains psychotherapist Dr Belynder Walia. “Instead of trying to stop your thoughts, you gently guide your mind towards words and feelings that are supportive and calming.”
While the practice is currently gaining traction on social media, it’s actually rooted in ancient Buddhist principles. The word ‘metta’ originally meant loving kindness in Pali, an Indian language which was traditionally used to record the teachings of Buddha in the 5th and 4th centuries BC. Now, we’re using it to challenge our inner critic.
“Psychologically, metta meditation works by creating an alternative to a critical internal dialogue,” explains chartered counselling psychologist Dr Kirstie Fleetwood Meade. “Many of us have an inner critic, to varying degrees. By intentionally directing compassion and goodwill, metta offers a way to build a more supportive and emotionally balanced relationship with yourself and others around you.”
What are the benefits of metta meditation?
Meditation sceptics, listen up: even if you struggle with traditional meditation practices (hi, it’s me), metta meditation might be worth a go.
“Being kind to yourself (and others) isn’t lazy, indulgent, or letting yourself off the hook,” notes Dr Fleetwood Meade. “It’s good for your brain, your nervous system, and your relationships.”
We’re talking reducing self-criticism, supporting emotional regulation and increasing feelings of connection to others, among other benefits – let’s take a look.
1. It reduces self-criticism
In a world where it is so easy to compare ourselves unfavourably to those around us, this benefit is huge.
“From a psychological point of view, metta meditation switches our inner chatter from critic to kindness,” shares spiritual coach Melissa Amos. “With repetition over time, it can help create new neural pathways so that this way of thinking becomes our default state.”
2. It helps calm the nervous system
“Metta can calm your mind and body, reduce anxiety, and help you feel less overwhelmed,” says Dr Walia. “It also helps regulate the body. Slow, steady repetition can calm the nervous system, easing tension, and when the body begins to feel safe, the mind tends to settle as well.”
3. It deepens social connections
If you’re someone who finds it difficult to let your walls down and let friends in, consider this: being more empathetic, open, loving and less judgmental will allow your relationships to deepen and evolve.
“Over time, it can also improve your relationships because you feel less reactive and more grounded,” agrees Dr Walia.
4. It helps reduce stress and builds resilience
Shifting our perspective away from a natural negativity bias (whereby we’re innately prone to take a worst-case scenario approach) towards a loving kindness mindset not only helps us cope better with trials and tribulations as they arise, but it also helps us build resilience to tricky times, and reduces overall stress, too.
“The benefits of a consistent metta meditation practice are simple but powerful,” shares Dr Walia. “As well as quietening self-criticism, it helps build self-compassion, which makes a big difference to how you handle stress.”
How to practice metta meditation
While the beauty of the method is that there are no fixed, hard and fast rules, metta meditation generally follows a structured, three-step flow that gradually expands your capacity for kindness.
“You start by settling your body and attention, usually sitting comfortably and focusing on your breath until it feels steady and natural,” advises Dr Fleetwood Meade. “From there, you bring awareness to your heart space and begin by directing kind, compassionate phrases towards yourself.
Traditionally, these phrases are:
- May I be safe
- May I be healthy
- May I be happy
- May I be at ease
- May I be filled with loving-kindness
- May I be peaceful
“Once that feels established, you extend the same phrases to someone you care about, visualising them and offering them the same sense of warmth and compassion,” she continues. “The practice then gently stretches further, inviting you to include someone you find difficult to offer loving kindness towards.”
Who is metta meditation best for?
“This type of practice can be particularly helpful for those who might struggle to be kind to themselves,” shares counsellor Georgina Sturmer. “By actively encouraging ourselves to think about love and kindness, we can challenge our ‘internal working models’, the patterns of behaviour and self-belief that can sometimes leave us being self-critical or unkind to ourselves.”
I tried practicing metta meditation every day for a week – here’s my honest thoughts
Days one to three
Day one of my metta meditation challenge dawns, and I’m excited to get started – if not more than a little apprehensive, being one of life’s most negative of self-talkers (although I’m happy to say that this, along with people pleasing, has definitely waned in mid-life – there are some perks!). This, combined with the fact that I’m notoriously poor at mindfulness and meditation in general, makes me sceptical that I’ll even be able to do it, let alone benefit from the practice.
But, nothing ventured, nothing gained, and I start off by choosing my mantras to gently guide my thoughts: I plump for ‘may I be at ease’ and ‘may I be compassionate’ as a starter for ten. And although the experts say that the beauty of this meditation is that it can be done anytime, anywhere, I definitely advise finding a quiet nook and settling into it with some breathwork first. I say this because this is categorically not what I did for the first couple of days, and it turns out that rushing through the supermarket/on the school run/while frantically cooking dinner for the family does not make a compassionate mindset. Who knew?
I start to feel like I may have been naively ignorant about this challenge, so I dial it back to one mantra for day three, and I go with ‘may I be at ease’; I figure I have to sort my own house out first. And, as I turn back to the expert guidance, it seems I’ve done exactly the right thing (my irritating type A brain is thrilled and pretty smug, here).
“If anything about metta meditation feels too intense, you can return to yourself,” advises Dr Fleetwood Meade. “The key is to work within your capacity, not push past it.”
And I do feel a wash of calm: whether it’s the deep breathing, the sunshine, the sound of the birds in the trees or the meditation (probably all of the above), I take it as a win. This being said, I only sit for around five minutes, but – baby steps, right?
Days four to seven
By day four, I’ve settled into a routine and find that first thing in the morning is the best time for me to get my practice done and dusted (of course, this is totally the wrong mindset, as it shouldn’t be a chore, but we move). I’ve also been trialling some breathwork, and the two tie in nicely together, and I notice I really do feel more able to handle whatever the day has to throw at me.
Even my Oura ring spots that I’ve been working on what it terms my ‘stress resilience’, so I’m patting myself on the back about this when I’m floored by a tricky situation involving one of my children. And nothing brings you back down to earth with a bump as much as your kid going through something; I’ll be honest, no amount of loving kindness was going to compensate for the rage and sadness I felt for a couple of days. My stress levels shot up, and I couldn’t sleep at all (not something I usually struggle with), and I feel like I’ve chosen the wrong week entirely to give this compassionate kindness a whirl.
However, maybe this was exactly the right time to have another tool in my self-care arsenal. After all, it’s impossible to say how much harder I would have found the scenario were I not focused on quieting my inner critic and trying to extend compassion to others.
And I remind myself that, type A thinking aside, it’s not realistic to think I’d be a metta meditation expert in just seven days, besides which, we’re all a constant work in progress when it comes to mindset and resilience.
So, popping that criticism back in its box, would I recommend the practice?
100%. I know that I found it hard because it’s something that I really need to do – something Dr Fleetwood Meade confirms. “If offering kindness to yourself feels unfamiliar, this practice may feel uncomfortable or even triggering at first,” she tells MC UK. “It can bring up resistance, numbness, or strong emotional responses: this doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong, it means you’re touching something important. Just like any skill, you can learn and grow with metta practices over time.”
I’ll stick with this one: watch this space.
Shop MC UK’s grounding meditation must-haves now:
Neom Wellbeing Exfoliating Mandarin Gift Set
Speaking of glimmers, having a bath never fails to cheer me up, and this Neom Wellbeing gift set is perfect for cultivating a little corner of calm while you meditate.
FP Movement Nodpod Weighted Blanket
Name a faster way to relax than curling up under a weighted blanket: we’ll wait. I can’t wait to test this portable Nodpod one, purported to be a cool, comfortable way to chill. And did we mention it’s machine washable? Win, win.
How often should I practice metta meditation?
You probably won’t be surprised to learn that metta meditation works best as an ongoing practice, rather than a one-off wellness win.
“Short, regular moments of loving kindness meditation will be more effective than occasional longer sessions,” advises Dr Fleetwood Meade. “It can also be woven into daily life, like softening your inner voice when you make a mistake.
“However, the practice doesn’t have to be limited to a traditional sitting meditation. It can be done anywhere, in everyday moments, like walking, or in stressful situations, combined with a steady breath. The overall aim is to cultivate a steady sense of compassion that starts to influence how you see yourself, other people, and the world more broadly.
“It also pairs well with other therapeutic approaches, adding an extra tool through layering warmth and compassion.”