In the world of reality dating, there’s nothing more damning to a relationship than ‘the ick.’ For the past few years, participants on Love Island, Love Is Blind, MAFS UK and every other show for singles have come to see ‘the ick’ as the death knell for a potential relationship. But now, a new term has entered the chat: ‘the spark’. While people used to be more concerned about noticing when they were turned off, now, it seems more and more singles are happy to stick it out – even if they’re not actually turned on. The basic line of thinking seems to be, as long as you don’t actually have the ick, it’s ok if you don’t have the spark.
It’s a tepid, limp kind of approach to dating – with a non-committal shrug of the shoulders and a defeated sigh, singles on televisions everywhere seem to be settling in for a slow burn as they patiently wait for that elusive ‘spark’ to suddenly appear.
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On this season of MAFS UK, for instance, there’s Paul, who wanted to continue in his relationship with Anita, despite her feeling no spark. Leigh and Leah were a similar case. The experts encouraged them all to keep trying, suggesting that the spark would come. Meanwhile, in the current season of Love Is Blind, there’s Joe, who, although he didn’t find his match Madison attractive, seemed willing to wait around in case that changed.
Seeing more and more singles seeking something different on reality TV begs the question: are we all too focused on “the spark”? Do you really need a spark for a good relationship? And just how long should we be willing wait for it?
Of course, the concept of the spark is nothing new. Whether we call it fireworks, love at first sight or chemistry, the human race has been talking about it since… well… forever. Angela Vossen, a Sex and Relationship Coach, describes it as a “rush of attraction, chemistry and excitement.” It is, in scientific terms, nothing more than a burst of hormones — a potent concoction of dopamine (signalling pleasure and reward), norepinephrine (delivering energy), and serotonin (the happy hormone). In other words, it feels really good. It’s the body’s way of telling you “yes, you want to be with this person.”
In normal circumstances, we tend to rely on the spark to tell us that, you know, we’re into someone, at least on a physical level, before we put the time and energy into getting to know them on a deeper level. Interestingly, however, popular dating shows seem to be encouraging their participants to forget about the spark and to focus instead on building the deeper connection first and trusting that the spark will come later. After all, these shows are framed as “experiments” that offer a different approach than can be found in the real world where potential relationships are often dismissed in no more than a millisecond with a quick swipe. And many of the people who find themselves on these shows seem eager to try something new. In fact, they often note that their reliance on initial spark hasn’t exactly served them well in the past.