As a result, Dr. Romanoff says you might fall into toxic, self-sacrificing habits to make your partner (and in turn, yourself) feel better. Instead of just comforting them after a bad day, for instance, you might go overboard, cracking jokes, buying gifts, basically overcompensating — even when all they need is space.
In more extreme cases, Dr. Romanoff warns that codependency can manifest in controlling behaviours. You might tell your partner how to feel (”You shouldn’t be so angry — seriously, just let it go”) or dictate their actions (“You have to meditate every morning if you’re that stressed”). On the flip side, your SO might make you responsible for their emotional well-being. Maybe they expect you to drop everything the moment they’re upset, no matter what you’re in the middle of, or they hint that you’d make them happier if only you gave up certain habits. In healthy relationships, both people are supportive equals — not caretakers or projects needing to be fixed.
3. You feel insecure or anxious when they don’t validate you enough.
Let’s say your partner doesn’t respond to your “Miss you so much” text right away. Immediately, you spiral, overthinking everything (Are they ignoring me? What if I scared them away?) — even though just last night, everything was fine. Or you just got promoted and have been crushing it at work. Still, you don’t feel accomplished unless they give you that “good job.”
According to Dr. Romanoff, second-guessing everything based on the smallest signs of “neglect” could suggest your self-worth has gotten too wrapped up in someone else’s actions or opinions. Because honestly, your confidence shouldn’t hinge on another person’s delayed text or a sudden dip in enthusiasm. And always looking for “proof” that you’re loved — or letting tiny things make you doubt it — often means that you’re not getting the assurance you need, either from yourself or your relationship.
4. You’re afraid to set boundaries.
Change and compromise are important in any partnership, but codependent people may hesitate to speak up about what’s important to them — more alone time, less PDA, no more weekend football! — out of fear that they’ll push their partner away. “As a result, you end up always putting your true wants, needs, and priorities on the back burner,” Dr. Romanoff warns.
This could look like going to a sweaty bar with their annoying friends every Thursday — not because you enjoy it, but because your SO does (and you’re worried they’ll like you less if you don’t join). Or you can’t stand smoking, but you put up with their stinky cigarettes just to avoid the risk of them dumping you.
While giving in or keeping quiet might sound like easy ways to stay in their good graces, Dr. Romanoff warns that constantly ignoring your boundaries can leave you drained, disconnected, and neglected — emotions that have no place in a happy, healthy romance.
5. You need their opinion before making the smallest decisions.
What outfit should I wear? Which restaurant should I order takeout from? Should I do Pilates or yoga tomorrow morning? It’s one thing to crave your loved one’s opinion on your day-to-day — hey, maybe you want to look extra cute for date night, or they’ve got the best restaurant recs. But what’s more concerning, Dr. Romanoff says, is changing your choices just to match their preferences.