When I get to the Elephant and Castle bar where she’s drinking with her mates, she breaks off and we sequester in a sticky booth. At first, there’s a nervous tension in the air as we size each other up but, soon enough, we get to talking and all our feelings pour out. She rolls a cigarette and we stand outside shivering, swapping tales of my ex. As it turns out, the person who had told us both that they weren’t willing to commit because of the connection they had with the other, really just couldn’t commit – or communicate – at all.
Hannah and I don’t continue to talk, but she did text me for a couple of days afterwards, wanting to check in and make sure I was okay. After meeting her, I was able to see what a kind person she was and to realise that, regardless of how things panned out, she was never out to get me or to ruin my relationship. It was a huge difference from the obsessive thoughts that had me searching out her IG page to begin with.
However, as psychosexual and relationship therapist Helen Mayor explains, this kind of fascination with ‘the other woman’ isn’t uncommon. “Rejection of any kind is extraordinarily complex, but sex is the most vulnerable and intimate part of us – the lack of clarity, the unknown element of ‘why them, why not me?’ and all the other unanswered questions. The brain tries to find a story that makes sense, and so often it’s an old and damaging ‘I am not enough’ narrative,” she explains.
In these instances, comparison really is the thief of joy – after all, cheating isn’t about the other person, it’s about your partner. “I have worked with lots of partners who have cheated. They rarely talk about the sex – often it’s an escape from responsibility, from being the person they don’t like, the person their partner knows, the least best version of themselves, or sometimes it is an escape from a relationship, but not necessarily because there is no longer deep love or connection,” she adds.
Ultimately, while it was unorthodox, I’m so grateful to Hannah that she wanted to meet up – and I credit her generosity with helping me to gain closure and to eventually move on. As Gigi Engle, a certified sex and relationship psychotherapist and resident intimacy expert at dating app 3Fun explains, I’m not alone – there are certainly benefits to meeting up with ‘the other woman’.
“If you’re both no longer with the person who did the cheating and want to debrief, it can be a good opportunity to get questions answered – for both of you – that might have gone unanswered,” Engle explains. “It’s important that both of you feel comfortable and secure in meeting – and one person isn’t feeling pressured to do so.”
With that in mind, you should only broach the subject of meeting if you know you can do so in a respectful way – not to treat the other person like a punching bag. “You should not go into it wanting to have a negative interaction with this person – wherein you’re saying unkind things, comparing yourself to her or something along those lines,” she adds. “This should be a meeting of respect between two wronged individuals. Get clear about your intentions before setting up or agreeing to a meeting like this.”
*Names have been changed.