For many, knowing how to work on self love might seem simple – you know, meditate, cook a nice meal, or read your favourite book. That said, for others, self care ideas (opens in new tab) might not come as naturally.
Even if you know the tools that will make you feel your best self, you might find it difficult to find the time to put them into practice every day.
While the best self care products (opens in new tab) might help, self love is about more than material things – it’s about your internal narrative, your perception of who you are, and how you address yourself day in, day out.
Existential therapist and coach Sara Kuburic, otherwise as The Millennial Therapist (opens in new tab), agrees, adding that self love is a process and isn’t something that comes to most people naturally.
“Self love has to be intentional,” she shares. “But often, people get confused. They think, “I am myself, so I have a relationship with myself” – but that’s not true. It’d be like having a boyfriend who’s basically a roommate. You don’t speak to each other – he’s just there. Just because you’re in the same space does mean you know this person,” she goes on.
Even after reading all the best self help books, (opens in new tab) knowing how to work on self love and garner a positive relationship with yourself is a process that takes time. Here, the therapist shares her top tips for improving your relationship with yourself. Trust us on this one – truly loving yourself has the potential to boost all aspects of your life.
How to work on self love: your guide
So, what is self love?
Self love, according to the Oxford Dictionary, is defined as a “regard for one’s own well-being and happiness.”
It goes hand in hand with showing yourself self respect, compassion, and kindness, and truly believing that you deserve a happy and joyful life.
Having a bit of a self-love crisis? Sadly, you’re far from alone. 37% of adults in the UK are feeling less confident at the moment, according to research by Better Health (opens in new tab), and it’s no surprise. We live in a society that constantly compares us to others, weighing up our achievements and successes to our peers and colleagues.
Despite the body positivity movement and the emergence of body neutrality (opens in new tab), stats show that more and more women, in particular, are feeling negative about their body aesthetics and appearance. In fact, the same research found that 46% of women are feeling less confident in themselves and their appearance than in previous years.
“Self love encompasses your attitudes, feelings, and actions, whereas confidence is the ability to feel like you’re attractive,” Kuburic tells Fashion’s DIgest UK.
The issue is much greater than just aesthetics, Kuburic believes. “It’s a self esteem issue, and surprisingly, it’s not hugely different from gender to gender.”
Why is self love so hard to practice sometimes?
Good question. While you’re eternally positive to your friends, family and colleagues, sometimes the internal dialogue… not so much. So, what’s to blame? And why is self love so difficult to practice sometimes?
As a chronically online generation, it’s almost impossible to not compare ourselves to others. While deep down we know Instagram is just a highlight reel, research from Dove’s latest Self Esteem project (opens in new tab) found that unrealistic beauty content on social media is negatively impacting the mental health of one in two young people.
Low self esteem and a lack of self love can also come to the fore during periods of chronic stress (opens in new tab) (we’re looking at you, cost of living crisis).
Kuburic invites you to question your habits – ask yourself, are your habits really loving? Do you cook nutritious meals to nourish your body, or is it really to lose weight? Do you practice Pilates exercises (opens in new tab) because it really makes you feel better, or just because it looks good on the ‘Gram?
Sometimes, it’s necessary to address your existing habits and routines and question the process – both good and bad.
She suggests taking time to reflect on whether your self love actions are really to benefit ourselves or to gain others approval. By figuring out what it is that makes you feel good and why, it’ll become a lot easier to feel lovingly about yourself without someone else’s approval or like.
How to work on self love when you’re feeling low
If reframing negative thoughts (opens in new tab) is becoming a burden, the following tips for boosting your self love might help ease the negative internal narrative.
1. Be mindful of how you speak to yourself
“First up, be careful with your phrases,” shares the expert.
“If you say, I can’t experience joy right now, I can’t experience fulfilment, or I can’t experience love, chances are, you’re not going to,” she goes on.
Try the following – rather than saying you can’t experience fulfilment, say you don’t feel able to. Then,work on working out and breaking down what barriers are stopping you from reaching it.
2. Identify who you are
Next up? Identify who you are, and try, day by day, to fall in love with that person.
“If you don’t know who you are, how are you going to love yourself?,” the expert asks. “Being aware of who you are is the first step. Then, act on that,” she recommends.
Try this: Have difficult conversations with yourself – it’s a self-love action that you can do every single day that will improve your relationship with yourself. You’re not as powerless as you think,” Kuburic encourages.
3. Keep daily promises
This is one of the simplest actions of self love, in Kuburic’s opinion.
Think meditating (opens in new tab) or drinking enough water, banishing negative self-talk or calling your Mum. The sky’s the limit, and they’re personal to you.
Our guides to how to set goals (opens in new tab) might help here, but whatever your daily goals will be personal to you.
4. Move your body
Self love can feel like a double-edged sword sometimes, but know that finding the time to exercise is a surefire way to prove that you are engaging with and taking the time to look after your body, shares Kuburic.
“It shows it that you are engaging with it, recognising its needs, and allowing it to express itself,” she explains.
“Often, you can’t access overwhelm verbally, so mindful movement – even just putting on a good song and dancing around without a care in the world – is a great way of understanding yourself without making it cognitive,” she adds.
Scroll our guides to Joe Wicks workouts (opens in new tab), Pilates exercises (opens in new tab), or the best cardio workouts (opens in new tab), if you don’t know where to start. Even a brisk ten-minute walk around the block will be beneficial – the benefits of walking (opens in new tab) are endless.
5. Try journaling
Kuburic encourages her clients to journal, as it helps them with their awareness of who they are and what they’re going through. “What a beautiful, beautiful way to show yourself love when you go, ‘Hey, I’m noticing you’re feeling really sad today”,” she shares.
She encourages you to have those difficult conversations with yourself, acknowledge your emotions, and sit with your sadness, should you need to. Not sure if journaling for anxiety (opens in new tab) will help? Her advice is to give it a go, then decide it’s not for you. What have you got to lose?
6. Set boundaries
Don’t get hung up on this one – but do try and set boundaries in whatever way suits you. That may mean scrolling Instagram for two hours instead of ten, or watching Netflix less frequently if it leaves you feeling empty.
“There are both acts of self love,” the expert shares “Having those kinds of guidelines that you know you’re holding yourself to for the sake of your own mental health is huge,” she shares.
Our expert explainers on simple, easy-to-implement wellness tips might help you learn how to be happy, too.
Why is self-love so hard?
Don’t worry – as therapist Sara Kuburic explains, knowing how to work on self love is a process. “There’s this big misconception that self love just happens,” the expert explains. “But that’s not true. It is an issue and it needs to be addressed as such, which means seriously and with intention.”
Things like figuring out who you are, practicing patience with your mind and your body, and treating yourself with compassion will all help garner a positive and healthy relationship with your own body and mind.
It won’t come naturally, for some, but is a process work investing time in for a happy and fulfilled life.